Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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