my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
