What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
