Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
