y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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