I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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