New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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