he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
