maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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