He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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