You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
