I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
