We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
