I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
