It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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