Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
