Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
