Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
