she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
