it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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