i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
