dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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