when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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