Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
