That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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