Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
