do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
