my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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