You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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