It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
