Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
