the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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