Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
