A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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