I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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