I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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