Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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