I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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