I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
