yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
