I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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