are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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