...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
