In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
