He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
