i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
