you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
