onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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