not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
