im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
