you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
