I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
